Have you ever had days where you question what you are doing with your life? Yesterday was one of those days for me. School has been taxing this semester. It has not been what I have longed for it to be. It has been hard to feel like I am in such limbo with a new campus and the lack of real cooking. I came home to Dan and laid it all out for him and this is what he said...
"Do you remember what you were doing when you decided to go to culinary school?"
That little question gave me that answer to why I have been so frustrated.
When I decided to go to culinary school I was taking a non-credit class in Italian cooking. I went in to learn about cooking Italian food and to get some new ideas for feeding my family. I came away from that class with a desire to really cook... like I had never cooked before for others... to nourish and feed and sustain life with food. I knew I did not want to run a restaurant... a kitchen maybe in a church, cooking for individuals as a personal chef... catering..... working with special dietary needs. I really just wanted to cook.... and bake.... and when I am in the kitchen even to this day I am happy. It is what I love more than just about anything on the planet besides my family and music.
I think I have become quite good at it, too, but last night... last night just nearly crushed my spirit. I have not been able to do much cooking and when I did... when I really got in there Monday night and baked bread and made stuff for our dessert and mise en placed everything... and our team worked to make it happen I felt great about it. I felt great until I got to the end and found out that I did it all wrong. I did everything like Chef Lugo had been telling me to do for the past three years. I prepped and I planned and then I get to the moment and did not even know I was doing something wrong.
We were accused of not being prepared. I thought we were... we were not scrambling around and looking for things. We knew where they were and we were on time getting our stuff out. We each had a role to play and we did it. There was no confusion or stress on our station...We WERE prepared... in the fashion that I had been taught and accustomed to.... WE WERE! I understood that the entire night did not go well but OUR STATION DID WELL AND I KNOW THAT!!! But, then... pastry is so "easy" and we were "spoiled" and had it easy compared to others. These were things we were told anyway... if pastry is so easy then let's see some of these non-pastry people do it like we did... it is NOT easy. I hate being demeaned and told that my job was not as hard as someone else's job. I have worked salads and apps... that is not any harder than what I did last night. I have worked the hot line.... it is not easy but I can bust my butt and do a good job at it. As for washing dishes... I certainly have more practice than most at that job up there. They should offer a certificate in dishwashing for all the dishes I have done in three and a half years up there. I bust my butt and I get it done... no matter WHERE I am but I was told last night that I don't... that I didn't.... ok.... *shakes head*
So, did I learn anything? Yep, I learned that if I don't ask questions then I probably won't get the information I need to know. The problem is that I did not even know what questions to ask. I am not an experienced industry worker. I have no idea outside what I have read and what information my instructors give me what to do in a full blown restaurant. I don't even WANT to run a restaurant but I learn and I do it as part of the bigger picture and team. My goals are different from everyone else in that room. My plans are taking me in a completely different direction. The things I want to do and the things I need to learn are really not there... in the restaurant setting. Will I be made richer for the experience? Yes... because all experiences shape us and teach us. It just felt weird to even question what I have been doing for the last 3 years.... I am still mulling it all over.
On top of everything else I feel like, after three years, that the instructors do not take me seriously.... they have not even begun to tap my potential. They don't know what they have in me... *sigh*
My goal at this point is to just get the degree and take the test to be an official chef and then move on. The passion for cooking and baking is still there but it seems jaded somehow by my experiences this semester. Some would tell me just to get over it and do my job and for the most part that is what they will see from me from now on but in my heart.... deep down inside I am disappointed. It is not what I imagined and what it really should be... Maybe my timing was just bad in being here during a traumatic move to a new facility and a changing of the guard, so to speak, with new instructors and new ideas and attitudes. I can honestly say that the instruction I have had has been good for me... I have learned and grown but this semester has been the one that has brought me to this place of questioning.... not really knowing if I should be there. If they are trying to weed me out then last night would have been the thing to do....
I have some real serious questions of my own... but I am sure they will not be answered anytime soon. What is education.... really? ...teaching a lesson to prove a point or really giving students the tools and knowledge to do the job they need to do once they graduate??? Is it about biding our time or using our time wisely? Could things have been very different this semester for all of us? Yes... and I could make a list how.... but honestly, I don't think it would be taken in the manner in which I would intend it. It would be taken as insulting rather than trying to be helpful so I won't write it.... I won't share it.... I won't cast my pearls, so to speak. I will ponder it all and weigh it all out carefully and grow from it. I will be made better for it in the longrun but today.... it smarts a bit....
Christmas is on it's way. We celebrate Advent in our home so we have about 18 days left until the first day of Advent. I am thinking ahead a bit more this year than in years past. Usually it sneaks up on me and I find that I am freaking out and never really get it all done. So this year... before Thanksgiving... I am working right now on...
